


without you

by johnsolyuta



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst with a Happy Ending, Childhood Friends, Gen, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Medium!Yuta, Refrenced car accident
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-18
Updated: 2016-10-18
Packaged: 2018-08-22 12:13:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8285450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/johnsolyuta/pseuds/johnsolyuta
Summary: yuta's gift had caused him to meet many, many earthbound spirits over the course of his lifetime — the last thing he expected was to reunite with one of his childhood friends, Hansol.





	

For as long as Yuta could remember, he'd been able to communicate with people not in this dimension. Not like Aliens or anything - maybe that'd make him seem a lot less weird - but instead he can communicate with the dead. The dead that are earth bound, the dead with something holding them back. He didn't really understand that the people he were seeing weren't real, he didn't understand they were dead. It took him a long time to get comfortable about this aspect of himself. He got fed up with it at one point, so he tried ignoring it. That only lasted for three days, though. He thought about what his grandmother had told him when he was younger, she had also bared the special gift. "Even if you ignore them they'll find a way to come to you in your dreams." But Yuta thought she was lying until he was having a nice, (possibly) wet dream and some old lady who wanted him to pass a message on to her husband had came into the dream. He stopped ignoring them from that point on.

He hadn't gotten any needy ghosts coming to him for help in a week, he thought he lost his gift, but he didn't particularly mind. Maybe people just stopped dying for a week? Maybe people just stopped needing his help - but that all changed when he turned down the school hallway while he was taking a 'bathroom break' and locked eyes with a guy he thought was just simply another student. Yuta should've known better. He hadn't ever seen this guy in school before. Said guy had been following him ever since like a lost puppy.

"I know you can hear me, you can see me too! So, why are you ignoring me?" The ghost pleaded in his ear as he tried to take his very important history test. He was just gonna ignore him until school was over and he was somewhere where he could talk to the impatient, annoying ghost and tell him to fuck off in private where no one can see him talking to thin air. (Of course it won't actually go that way, he'll do whatever the guy needs him to do so he'll go into the light or cross over or whatever his grandmother called it - but he wants it to go that way). The kid hasn't shut up since he encountered him and there's a pretty possible chance he just failed his test because he couldn't focus for longer than five seconds at a time. Yuta flipping him off didn't shut him up either (but it made the kid who sits next to him whom he's never spoken to very confused because he thought it was for him). He'll have to find a way to apologize to the classmate later.

Once school was over and Yuta was sure he was out of anyone's line of sight - he finally gave the kid the attention he wanted. Once he did so, he realized he wasn't actually a kid. The guy was actually a little taller than him and he seemed to be round his age. "Okay, look - I can't just drop everything I'm doing while I'm at school to help you. If I failed my test because of you I'm gonna beat your ass. I don't know how I will, but I'll find a way." Yuta got out all the anger that has been building up throughout the day.

"I'm sorry." He looked at the ground, lightly kicking at a rock on the sidewalk. "It's just that it's been months since I've been able to actually talk to someone. I guess I just got a little excited."

Most of the time Yuta got people that had recently passed, but in this case, this guy had been gone for a while - it made him wonder more about what had happened. He eased up a little and wasn't as angry at the kid; if someone could finally communicate with him after a long time of not being able to, he'd be excited too. So, he shouldn't be so hard on him. Plus, if his grandma were to witness the way he was handling this one she would've gave him a three hour long lecture with a hard smack to his arm with the wooden spoon she was using somewhere in between. "So, why are you here?"

"Um," The guy looked slightly confused. "To talk to you?"

"No, I mean, why are you still here? Earthbound spirits are here for a reason. They have some unfinished business or something like that. So, why are you here?"

The guy seemed even more confused. "Earthbound spirits?"

"Yeah, normally when you die you crossover, or go into a light - but you're still here."

The guy thought about it for a second. "I don't know why I'm here."

"There's got to be _some_ reason." Yuta tried to dig deeper for the guy since he obviously had no clue about what was holding him back. He'd encountered a few people like this, usually they just needed to be asked few questions to jog their memory. He'd been told by his grandmother (on several occasions, actually - she had a tendency to repeat herself a lot) that when people die, sometimes they don't feel the time as it passes. That they're stuck in the moment, or they feel the same way they did before they passed. Some people could be earthbound before they realize why they're stuck here - Yuta really hoped that wasn't the case with this guy. "Let's start off with the basics - what's your name?"

"Ji Hansol," He responded quickly. At least this one remembered his name. "What's yours?"

"Yuta." He responded.

"Yuta?" He looked a little shocked. "As in Nakamoto Yuta?"

"Um, yeah... How do you know that?"

"I had a friend in elementary named Yuta. Is it really you?"

Yuta stood still for a few seconds, who knows if he was even breathing at that moment. His brain ran a thousand miles a minute as he tried to process the information he was getting. Ji Hansol did sound a little familiar to him but the kid didn't look familiar at all. Yuta's thoughts were interrupted by someone calling his name. His head snapped up and Hansol was gone, but his friend Dongyoung was walking toward him. "Why are you just standing here?"

He almost stuttered over his words as he replied. "I was just trying to think if I left any homework in my locker."

"Well, did you?" Dongyoung asked swinging an arm around Yuta's shoulders.

"No."

"Good, now let's go eat."

* * *

Yuta couldn't stop thinking about Hansol since they talked earlier. He felt bad for leaving Dongyoung hanging when they'd been planning on hanging out and playing this new video game that just came out for weeks but his thoughts were eating him alive. He had to know if it was the same Ji Hansol he was best friends with in elementary. He went straight to the scrapbooks his Mom kept on the shelf in the family room. He knew his Mom had kept a photo of every occasion and photos of him with every friend he'd had throughout his lifetime in there. He was almost afraid to open it up and look. He was afraid it really would be him. He took the scrapbook up to his room, situating himself on his bed with the book placed in front of him. He'd never encountered someone he knew before, much less someone who used to be a great friend of his. He couldn't even remember the face of his childhood friend. "There's no way it's the same guy." He scoffed to himself, trying to make himself feel better about the whole thing.

 He could keep telling himself that it wasn't the same guy, he could keep denying it - maybe one day he'd convince himself that the guy just got him confused with someone else. Though, Yuta couldn't deny the pictures that were in front of him. If his Mother hadn't captioned a particular photo with " _Yuta & Hansol, Yuta's 7th birthday_" with Yuta and another kid his age with his arms around Yuta in a friendly hug, he would've just told himself it wasn't him, that the guy just looked like him.

"You forgot about me, didn't you?" Hansol said from behind him. Yuta didn't even realize he had started crying until then.

He couldn't even think of what to say back. His emotions were everywhere. Part of him felt angry with himself that he forgot about his dear childhood friend, part of him wished he could just disappear of the face of the earth so that he didn't have to think about the reality of the situation. His childhood best friend was dead. "I'm not mad at you if you did forget about me. I understand. I moved away, we went our separate ways, and we both grew up."

"That still doesn't mean I don't feel bad about it." He still sat with his back to Hansol. He was _afraid_ to turn around and look at him. 

"Don't feel bad about it. It's not to late to be friends now."

"Hansol," Yuta said slowly. "It doesn't work like that. You're not going to be here forever. You're going to realize one day why you're here and what you have to get taken care of then you're going to leave."

Hansol thought for a second. "What if I'm here to reunite with you?"

"I don't think that's how it works." Yuta closed the scrapbook. He hadn't realized he'd been staring at the picture of them this whole time.

"I mean, think about it - what are the chances of you finding me? It _must_ be why I'm here!"

"Anyone with the ability to see the dead could've found you. It just so happened that me of all people did." Yuta sighed, turning around to face him. "Trust me, it's not the reason why you're here."

Hansol grunted, throwing himself back onto Yuta's bed. "This sucks. Why can't I just see the light and just go to where ever it is I'm supposed to go?"

Yuta laid beside Hansol. He felt oddly comfortable around Hansol, as if they were still friends. Most the people he'd came across made him anxious and highkey uncomfortable; he was silently thankful that it wasn't like that this time round. "I'm sorry if this is a rough question, but it might help you find out what's keeping you here." Yuta cleared his throat. "How did you die?"

Hansol furrowed his eyebrows, deep in thought. It was normal for it to take a few minutes to recall what happened, so Yuta waited patiently. "I think... I think I was in a car accident."

Maybe it was just his sudden parting that left him earthbound. He just hadn't come to terms with his own death. "Is that all you remember?"

"I remember being in a car - but I wasn't driving. I can almost remember the song playing on the radio, though. It was Taeil and I's favorite song." Hansol abruptly stopped speaking. Yuta was alarmed as Hansol quickly got up from the bed and walked out of his bedroom door. Yuta tried to follow him but when he got to his doorway Hansol was already gone. Hansol must've remembered something important. Maybe he realized his reason for being here? Maybe it _wasn't_ that he hadn't came to terms with his death?

Yuta hadn't seen Hansol for days. His curiosity built up the more he thought about the car accident that Hansol mentioned. He knows he should just wait for Hansol to come around again to tell him what happened. He knows he shouldn't go trying to find an article on it. He knows he shouldn't do it but that's never stopped him in the past. He pulled up the browser on his phone and typed in Hansol's name - the first thing that popped up was a news article on the accident. His finger hovered over the link for a few minutes, thinking if he should _really_ do this. Of course he ended up clicking it.

" _Around five o'clock yesterday night, there was a fatal car crash involving two minors. T_ _he driver,_ _Moon Taeil, 17, is currently in critical condition. The passenger, Ji Hansol, 17, was pronounced dead at the scene."_

Yuta couldn't bring himself to read any further. Suddenly, he didn't want to know the details. Hansol must've remembered that he was in the car with Taeil; it explains why he left so abruptly. He doesn't know if he's dead too, or if he's alive. Perhaps, this is what was keeping him earthbound?

* * *

"Mom?" Yuta pushed his food around his plate, he hadn't had an appetite for days. He began to worry a lot about Hansol when the fifth day rolled around and he still hadn't heard from Hansol. Maybe Hansol found Taeil alive, doing well, and that alone but his soul at ease? Yuta could only hope.

"Yeah? What's wrong?" She was quick to detect whenever something was bothering Yuta.

"Do you remember my childhood friend -"

"Ji Hansol?" She was quick to remember his name. "of course I remember him. He was your first real friend - you two were connected at the hip. Inseparable... Why do you ask?"

He took a few seconds to reply. He rarely told his mom about his gift. It skips generations, so his grandmother was who he always talked about it with, his Mother couldn't relate to his troubles much less what was bothering him. He knows she feels bad about it and wishes she could help him but she still tried. "I saw him the other day."

"Oh, that's great! He must be tall now like his Father. I'm so happy you two are back in each other's life. You know, I always had a feeling you'd be lifelong -"

"Mom." He interrupted her. He didn't want to cry about it again, he promised himself he wouldn't.

"What?" She blankly said.

Yuta tried to get the words out, he tried really hard. Instead the tears he'd been holding in since Hansol told him all came out. His Mother rushed to his side, worried and confused about _why_ her son was crying. "It wasn't like that, Mom." He choked out. "He's dead. Hansol's dead!"

It took Yuta's painfully blunt words that he _really_ wanted to avoid for her to understand the situation. She tried to console him but Yuta just wanted to curl up into a ball and be alone. "Oh, honey..." She rubbed his back, engulfing him in a calming side hug. "I'm so sorry."

* * *

When Yuta walked out of school on Tuesday the following week he really didn't expect Hansol to be standing there waiting for him. Yuta felt happiness when he saw him - which he couldn't decide if that was a good or a bad thing because seeing Hansol meant something was still holding him back. Hansol followed him as Yuta started his walk home; he was thoughtful and remembered not to try to talk to Yuta until he knew it was safe to.

"Where have you been?" Yuta abruptly turned around.

"I'm sorry. I should've told you I remembered something, or someone, but I had to figure out right then if he was okay. Did I worry you?"

Hansol didn't have to know that Yuta had spent the last three nights crying because of him. He was mourning the death of an old friend even though he could still see him. His guilt of forgetting all about his childhood friend made all of it worse even though Hansol had reassured him from day one that he was okay with it. "I thought you had figured out why you're stuck here on your on and crossed over." Yuta half-lied.

"No, I still need your help. I did find out why unable to cross over though." Hansol explained. His aroma seemed different than the last two times Yuta had spoken with him; it was a lot more anxious this time. "My friend that was in the accident with me is alive and well - but there's something different about him now. I've spent the last few days following him around. He seems really sad. He used to smile all the time, he used to always go out with friends, he's just not him anymore. All he does now is sleep, go to school, and occasionally work. I need you to talk to him for me. He must be this way because of the guilt he feels from the accident. Please, Yuta."

"Confronting people like this is hard and rarely goes well." Yuta sighed. He hated this part with a passion. He'd had doors slammed on him many times, been yelled at, and accused of trying to meddle people out of their money more times than he could count on all his fingers _and_ toes. He didn't want to do it but for Hansol, he'd do anything. He deserved peace.

Hansol had lead him to some flower shop about a twenty minute walk from his school. "He's really accepting, I promise; it was one of my favorite things about him. He'll give you a chance. His name's Taeil. He's probably wearing a plain white shirt and some type of jacket or flannel over it. He doesn't work on the main floor often so you might need to ask for him."

Yuta nodded as he took in the information. Taeil (which he already knew due to his impatient and curious google search), white t-shirt and a jacket. Yuta felt insanely nervous and uncomfortable about the whole situation but Hansol looked so ecstatic about it so Yuta couldn't possibly back out now. He scanned the small flower shop and didn't see anyone that fit Taeil's description. "You look lost. Do you need help picking out flowers?" A young woman approached him. "What's the occasion?"

"Oh, I'm not here to buy flowers." Yuta responded shyly. The woman was very confused, so he should probably tell her the real reason why he was there. "I'm looking for Taeil."

"Yeah, he should be right through those doors over there."

Yuta thanked her for her help and went in the direction she pointed. Only one person was back here, so it must be Taeil, he was also wearing exactly what Hansol described. "Customers aren't allowed back here." Taeil calmly said as he moved a heavy potted plant.

"Actually, I'm here to talk to you." Yuta fiddled with his thumbs, a lot more nervous now that he was standing in front of him.

Hansol appeared beside Taeil, looking around the room. "It's been forever since I've been here. I used to come here all the time and do homework while I waited for Taeil to get off."

Taeil stood up straight, looking at the stranger with a confused expression. "I'm sorry, do I know you?"

"No, I know one of your friends though. My name is Nakamoto Yuta."

"I don't have any friends. You must have the wrong person." He went back to his work, picking up and moving the plants.

How was Yuta going to tell him when he knew it'd go bad? "He's became stubborn since the accident. Don't give up yet!" Hansol pleaded.

"I spoke to Hansol." Yuta blurted out. Taeil stopped in his tracks, if he didn't have such a good grip on the clay pot he was holding it probably would've crashed to the ground and shattered.

"Look - I don't know who you are but you should really get going." His tone was angry, Yuta wanted to shrink into himself. He was bring up something that probably haunted Taeil's thoughts everyday of his life since the accident.

"Tell him I'm not mad at him - that I don't blame him for my death!" Hansol pleaded.

"He doesn't blame you for what happened!" Yuta rushed out.

"Hansol's dead! You don't know what he thinks or how he feels!"

"I know it's hard to take in but please just hear me out!"

Taeil turned toward Yuta, breathing heavily. "Please just leave."

"Hansol's stuck here, he can't crossover until he mends things with you!"

"Do you hear what you're saying right now?"

"I know it sounds crazy but I can speak to people who have died. I don't expect you to believe me but please, don't just knock it down."

Taeil look a deep, shaky breath. "Can you please just leave?"

Yuta was done trying to get him to listen. If he chose to come around he would, he just had to give him time to think about it. Yuta nodded, leaving Taeil alone as he had wished. "Yuta, go back there! You have to talk to him for me! There's so much I want to tell him!" Hansol followed behind Yuta as he walked out of the flower shop.

"You said he'd be accepting!" Yuta said to him once he was out of the store.

"He _is_ accepting. He was accepting of me when I came out to him. He didn't treat me any different, always gave me words of encouragement when I was feeling down about who I was - he was my best friend."

Yuta sighed. "He'll come around if he wants to. I can't force him to believe me."

* * *

 "Yuta, could you get the damn door?" His Mom called from the kitchen. Someone had knocked on the door a few minutes ago but Yuta chose to ignore it, too engulfed in his show to get up. Whoever was here rang the doorbell after a few minutes, eager to get someone's attention. Yuta paused his show, rolling his eyes as he slowly walked to the door.

"Got it!" He called out to his Mom so she'd get off his case. He opened the door and was shocked to see who was standing there. _Moon Taeil_.

"Can I talk to you?" His voice was wary.

Yuta nodded, opening the door a little wider so Taeil could come in. "Let's go to my room, we can talk in private there."

Taeil seemed a lot different today, more quiet and far less angry than when Yuta had first met him. Yuta wasn't expecting anyone over, so he had to clear his bed of dirty clothes, various school papers, and books. "Take a seat."

Yuta sat in his desk chair while he allowed Taeil to sit on the bed - he hoped it made him feel more comfortable that way. "I hope I didn't creep you out by just showing up at your house. I thought about what you said and I wanted to talk to you. I didn't know how to find you so I looked you up in the phone book."

"It's okay - it's not the first time someone just showed up at my door like that." Yuta chuckled.

"So," Taeil started but didn't know how to say what he wanted to say. Yuta stayed patient. "Do you talk to... ghosts a lot?"

"When they come to me and need help." Yuta nodded. Hansol appeared on the bed behind Taeil, the smile on his face is so big. Yuta didn't know it was possible for someone to smile that huge.

"I knew he'd come around!" Hansol cheered - but only Yuta could hear.

"When you came to the flower shop, I'm sorry for the way I acted." He sighed, looking around the room. "The last week or so... I've felt him - or his presence - I don't really know the correct term. I don't really believe in that stuff so I thought I was crazy and just imagining things but then you came in and I just -"

"Didn't know what to feel?" Yuta tried to help.

Taeil nodded. "I think about him everyday. I miss him so much."

"Tell him I miss him too!" Hansol scooted closer to Taeil.

"Hansol says he misses you too." Yuta said quietly.

Taeil's head shot up at Yuta's words. "He's here? With us?"

Yuta motioned to the area besides Taeil. Taeil looked around for a second. "Can he hear me?"

"Yeah. Go ahead, talk to him."

"Hansol," Taeil's voice was shaky. Taeil wasn't exactly looking in the direction that Hansol was sitting but he moved so he was in front of him. Yuta smiled at the small gesture; it was obvious how much Hansol loved Taeil, how Hansol kept the boy so close to his heart. "These past few months have been rough without you. You meant the world to me, you still do but now I'm doing everything we used to do together, alone. Right around this time we would've been applying to colleges together. I applied to the Seoul National University of Arts like you kept pushing me to do."

Taeil let out a shaky laugh, pausing his sentence to recollect himself before he continued. "I got accepted a week ago."

Hansol cheered and engulfed Yuta in a hug, but to Yuta it would've felt comparable to static. "He's so proud of you, Taeil."

"I have goosebumps like crazy." Taeil laughed to himself as he rubbed at the skin to get them to go away. He laughed to himself but he had tears running down his face. Yuta couldn't tell if they were good or bad.

"It's because Hansol hugged you." Yuta explained. What Yuta didn't expect was for Taeil to completely break down in tears. He was unsure about his actions, but Taeil seemed like he needed comforting. He moved from his desk chair to the bed besides Taeil, rubbing his back to _try_ to make him feel better.

"I blame myself for his death. I should've been paying more attention - maybe I could've avoided all of this."

"The accident wasn't his fault! The lady should've looked before she turned!" Hansol quickly came to the defense.

"He doesn't blame you for what happened."

"I was the driver. I could've avoided the crash." Taeil's voice had hints of anger.

"You did everything you possibly could."

"It doesn't feel like I did enough." Taeil choked out. "He didn't deserve it. He was so full of life, he cared for everyone so much, he saw the good in everyone even if they didn't deserve it, and most of all... _He was my best friend_. No one could even come close to how much he meant to me."

"He's smiling right now." Yuta said quietly to Taeil even though Hansol could still hear it. "I could tell by the way he looks at you that you meant so, so much to him."

Taeil cracked a smile for the first time since he got here. Hansol's voice was soft and sweet as he spoke. "Tell him to make the most out of his time at the University of Arts. Tell him to join all the clubs and befriend everyone he crosses paths with, just like he had before. Tell him to put the accident behind him and not to dwell over it like he has been. He deserves to be happy again. I want him to find someone who makes him laugh until his stomach aches, who picks him up when he's feeling sad, and most of all, someone who will believe in him and see how great he is. He deserves that."

Yuta didn't even realize he was crying until he went to repeat what Hansol had said and his voice cracked. Somehow he had managed to get all the words out and Taeil was crying too, but it wasn't a sad cry, it was a happy cry. Taeil could feel the weight lift off his shoulders and he felt like he could truly breathe again. He felt like he could smile now and genuinely mean it. Yuta was happy and thankful that Hansol had someone like Taeil in his life.  "Hansol, I hope wherever you go after this, that you're happy and always smiling."

"He wishes the same for you." Yuta passed on.

Hansol had gotten up off the bed, mouth agape in awe as he looked at something. Yuta's heart felt warm and fuzzy, Hansol's time was coming. His soul was no longer burdened, he had mended things with Taeil. Hansol knows Taeil is happier now, no longer blaming himself for his friends death. "Is that the thing you've been telling me about? The light?"

"I can't see it, only you can." Yuta replied. Taeil looked confused as to _what_ Yuta was talking about. "He sees the light - he's about to cross over."

Taeil just nodded, unsure of how to feel about the situation. Hansol stood still as he pondered walking into the light. "Can you tell him to never forget about me?"

"Is he gone?" Taeil asked.

Yuta shook his head. "No, not yet."

"Why?"

"He wants to know that you're never going to forget about him."

"There's no way I could never forget about him! He has impacted my life so much in the time I've known him, even though he's not here anymore, he'll still continue to impact my life in every aspect. I'm a better person because of Hansol." Taeil weakly smiled. "I hope you never forget about me."

"And thank you, Yuta, for helping me. I will be eternily thankful for you." Hansol smiled. Everytime Hansol smiled, Yuta swore flowers blossomed and birds sang songs because of it. Hansol could finally let himself go.

When the next fall rolled around, Taeil started classes at Seoul National University of Arts. He worked hard and put pride in his work because he knew that Hansol was watching over him, he wanted to make him proud.

Hansol's words passed through his mind a lot while he studied, and even though no one could compare to Hansol, Taeil did make more friends without the same fear he faced before. Taeil was happy again.

Hansol's legacy continued to live on through Taeil. Taeil made sure to go out of his way to make others smile, to make their days, or just small gestures of kidness, just as Hansol once had.

Ji Hansol had a special place in their hearts that no one could ever replace.

**Author's Note:**

> i purposely avoided a relationship in this story because i felt like it didn't fit the story line at all, so i hope you weren't let down by that aspect & i wanna say a big thank you for reading all the way to the end it means so much to me!♥


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